Transformation: Cultivating Perspective in a Visionary Year
By Shakita Kirkland
According to Dictionary.com, the word transformation means to “change in form, appearance, nature, or character.“ During my time of quarantine, I went through a metamorphosis in each previously listed category. To be altered in one of these groups can be life changing; for better or worse. To experience change in all four can be momentous—or unremarkable; purifying—or polluted; harmonizing—or give birth to unbalance. I believe where I have transformed the most is perspective; the mindset that I choose to adopt.
A Conversion in Anatomy and the Appearance of Isolation
In 2019, I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis (a uterine disorder). While it was liberating to finally receive a diagnosis for the pain and discomfort I experienced—for several years—it also invited new worry and uncertainty. My only options: deal with the increasingly adverse symptoms or have a hysterectomy. After many conversations with family and friends, and months of research, I made the choice to have a hysterectomy.
Prior to the Stay@Home directive and the closure of our state, my surgery was scheduled for mid-April. I submitted the necessary paperwork and began mentally preparing for what many presented as a life-enhancing operation. While I agonized about the various, real and imagined, pitfalls that may result from my surgery; others provided me an opportunity to consider the positive outcomes that I would soon achieve. I would be free of: irregular menstrual cycles, pain, discomfort, mental fog, irritability, and the overwhelming sense of exhaustion. After months of internal conflict, I was psychologically prepared for my surgical procedure.
Two-weeks prior to my operation, I received a phone call from my doctor’s office. Due to changes in hospital policy, a direct result of the coronavirus, the facility was canceling all non-essential surgeries. I was told that in order to proceed, the procedure would have to be completed at another facility and my appointment had to be rescheduled. The journey from onset of symptoms, to diagnosis, to surgery can only be described as passive and unpredictable.
After fighting for years to be heard and have my symptoms acknowledged, I was well acquainted with detours and roadblocks. However, I was ill-equipped and grossly unprepared to enter and exit the operating room without the physical presence and support of my family. My husband dropped me off—curbside—at the facility. He was not permitted to enter the building, not permitted to carry my bag in, not permitted to squeeze my hand before I was wheeled into surgery. Not a single person that loves me was anxiously awaiting my arrival in the recovery area. Loneliness enveloped me as my drug-induced stupor faded.
Instead of immersing myself in feelings of solitude, I decided to focus on the medical professionals that worked to provide care and compassion. While the expectation of kind and benevolent assistance is a given, the team of nurses looking after me went above and beyond. What could have been an anxiety-inducing stay, became an exhibition of humanity.
A Shift in the Nature of my Character (and Experiencing the Lack of Character in Others)
Prior to knowledge of the Coronavirus outbreak, I experienced a life-altering incident in northern California. My husband is a die-hard Raiders fan. As a surprise, I purchased tickets to the game; scheduled two days prior to my birthday. Since relocating to the west coast, I had never visited any part of northern California. I saw it as an opportunity for him to see his favorite team play their last game in Oakland, and for me to explore new territory.
Shortly after arriving in San Francisco and picking up our reserved rental car, my husband and I were pulled over by the police. We were ordered out of the vehicle—with several guns pointed directly at us—made to kneel in the street; handcuffed. Things I remember about that evening: it was raining, there was a chill in the air, the pebbles in the street dug into my knees, I was wearing my favorite Harry Potter sweatshirt, drivers passing by; recording our humiliation.
Things that will forever traumatize me about that night: the look on my husband’s face, the blinding brightness of several lights—some focused and some flashing, the chorus of laughter and camaraderie amongst the officers at the scene, the confusion and never-ending question of ‘why’ from me, the lack of apology or resolution from them. My husband and I were later told, after enduring such inexcusable behavior at the hands of the police, that our rental vehicle was reported stolen (at this time, we have yet to receive any documentation supporting that claim).
As a Black woman, I have had many negative interactions based on the preconceived notions attached to my race and heritage. I have felt the sting of microaggressions, and the pressure—and expectation—of assimilation. It is disheartening to witness such scenes of racism and discrimination on television and social media platforms. It is exhausting to know that the needle has failed to move, in regard to the basic principle of treating all people with courtesy and respect—instead of as ‘other.’ It is an unexplainable grief to experience biases made real...put into action...as a result of the constant consumption of racist and stereotypical content. This experience has altered the mindset in which I view the city of San Francisco and some of the police officers that they employ. It has amended the amount of empathy that I feel towards victims of police injustice. My views of social inequity and its far-reaching negative impact on our world has forever been transformed.
An Interpretation of Transformative Perspective
At the end of last year, 2020 was proclaimed the visionary year, i.e., #2020Vision. As a nation, we have faced many challenges—some foreseen and others unanticipated. Just as we were planning to move into a new year with optimism and clarity; we were blindsided by...life. During the course of 2020, as an individual, I have felt, bore witness to, overcome, and continue to live through pitfalls—and triumphs. In addition to the reflections authored above, I have experienced: the global devastation and impact of a pandemic, grief due to the untimely and tragic death of a beloved athlete and his daughter, coming to terms with PTSD (with the help of a therapist), being catapulted into financial decline, laughter at the many memes referring to toilet paper shortages (only because my house was well stocked), a sense of relief (on behalf of the many victims) at the conviction of a predatory movie executive/mogul, the overwhelming joy of birth (my first grandchild), the power and unity of raising my fist and marching in protest (due to the murders of multiple unarmed Black men and women), the sense of awe in gazing at images of recurring wildfires, and uneasiness over the death of a ‘notorious’ trailblazer. As a whole, all of these events can be viewed as momentous—or unremarkable; purifying—or polluted; harmonizing—or give birth to unbalance.
Perspective—that is how triumphs and challenges are interpreted; that is how transformation begins.
Photo/Shakita Kirkland.
Shakita Kirkland is a seasoned librarian, with more than 18 years of public library and K-12 experience. In addition to her public service work in libraries, she is an advocate for Creative Aging—stimulating the creative mind of adults and seniors—which has led her to develop and implement unique programming that crosses barriers of age, gender, education, demographics, cultural background, and socio-economics. Some of Shakita’s projects have included: Crafting for a Cause: A Community Outreach Project, Impressions: A Creative Writing Anthology, Creative Writing @ Your Library: Workshop Series, and various offerings related to arts education. Her programming has been highlighted in various Las Vegas and Henderson publications.
Shakita holds a Master of Library Science and a Bachelor of Fine Arts, both obtained from Indiana University. Prior to relocating from Indianapolis, Indiana in 2014, she was the Library District Director for Charter Schools USA (Indianapolis locations), Executive Director of Creative Corner, Inc., a non-profit arts organization that served marginalized communities, and a board member for Partnerships for Lawrence, a non-profit arts organization. Since arriving in Henderson, Nevada, Shakita has used her creativity and innovative way of thinking to manage, teach, motivate, and inspire her peers and the community that she assists.
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