A Letter to My Fiance During a Pandemic

Photos/Elspeth Summersgill. L-R: Collateral & Co. Assistant Artistic Director, Leslie Balzer; Guest Choreographer, Leisa DeCarlo.

By Caitlin McCarty

My dance company, Collateral & Co., had its most recent show at the Nevada Museum of Art on February 13, 2020. I’d been hearing about a virus that was spreading in China and travel had been restricted. I wasn’t too worried about it though. I had too much going on to be concerned with anything other than finishing choreography, sorting out last minute costume changes, and selling tickets. The show explored the vast Nevada sky, the thoughts that exist in our own minds, and attempted to make sense of our place in a world of darkness and light. When I decided on this theme in August of 2019, I was intrigued by the expansiveness of the Nevada night sky, how we are just one small piece of a much larger world - one that is both harsh and forgiving all at the same time.

I was going to school as normal. Twice a week in the evenings. I’m getting my MBA. I’ve never done any schooling online. I like the experience of showing up to school, having discussions with my classmates and professors.

I was going to work every weekday from 8 to 5 pm. Sometimes my coworkers and I would go out for lunch. We would sit and talk and eat and then return to work to finish the day.

I planned my wedding in my spare time, between planning for the show at the Nevada Museum of Art, working, and studying for tests. We secured a caterer and were starting the process of choosing our meals. I bought decorations for our centerpieces and the barn where the dancing would have been.

When I look back at this time, right before everything started to change, I feel uneasy. That’s life though, right? Life is uneasy, unpredictable and sometimes volatile.

It’s this uneasiness that took me from rehearsals and dance performances to staying home day in and day out. It’s this unpredictability that took me from going to class twice a week and having face to face discussion to online schooling. It’s this volatility that took me from work luncheons and laughs with coworkers to obsessively Googling “Nevada Coronavirus.” It’s all of this confusion and frustration that took me from planning our wedding to deciding when would be the very last day we could realistically cancel it.

I’ve been spending every day inside, going through the motions, wishing there was a way out. I spend day in and day out planning my dance company’s next performance only to be thwarted by a rise in cases. Day in and day out of wondering if I’ll be able to go back to school in the fall. Day in and day out of wanting to plan my wedding but feeling so utterly overwhelmed and unsure that all I can do is think about when I’ll have to cancel.

Being inside but wanting so badly to be out, for this to be over, to truly be able to live again and love outside of this pandemic - without reserve.

That’s why I wrote this for you - it’s all the reasons above and so, so many more.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about how we met. Is it crazy that I don’t even remember? Was it after school in the parking lot before football practice? Was it at my parents’ house after a prom or homecoming? One day you were just there. Quiet and unassuming, you came into my life and I didn’t even know that one day you would mean an awful lot.

That’s the thing, we meet people, experience moments, grow and change, but we can never truly grasp how these people, these moments, how this growing and changing is truly going to affect our lives. We don’t know until it’s over, until we’ve met the people, experienced the moment, done the growing. We don’t know what the outcome is and what the future holds, until the future is here and the outcome is a reality.

That’s how loving you in this pandemic feels. I keep trying to remember how we got here. Before March 17 we were enveloped in otherness, you in work and me in school, work, and the dance company. I was preparing for my show and you were trying to keep me calm. The costumes would work out, the choreography would come together, everything would be fine. And it was fine. The show went great, I got an A on my Economics test, and we were happy. We were so busy, but we were happy.

Another few weeks passed and we kept working, kept going to school, no rest for us - you know how it goes. I remember our birthday party and being grateful that I get to share a birthday and celebrate on the same day as the man I love. We went to dinner, sat at a big table with both of our families, opened presents, and had bundt cake. Gosh, that was fun wasn’t it? A great memory, but it passed just like any other day. I can’t remember any of the details besides the red bundt cake and the present your parents got us to use on our wedding day.

Our birthday came and went and then it was mid-March and everything changed. I remember sitting at my desk at work when the news came that quarantine would start. You were the first person I thought of and our planned August wedding. I thought of the big farm tables we might not sit at, the family we might not be surrounded by, the first dance we might not be able to have, the vows we might not speak. My heart got heavy that day and I’m not sure it has ever fully recovered.

I know we are healthy and I’m so grateful for that but I’m grieving the day I’ve had etched out in my mind’s eye for as long as I can remember. I’m grieving sharing our love with all our closest friends and family and I’m grieving for every person who is grieving these very same things.

Loving you is easy. Loving you in this pandemic is uncharted territory. I want you to know that life isn’t the same right now and maybe it never will be. I met my person, we have experienced beautiful moments, we’ve grown together and changed together, and although we don’t know how these things will truly affect us until the future is here, isn’t that the beauty of life? I get to create a future with you - love you, cherish you, and make you my husband. I want you to know, this pandemic might feel unsure, but my love for you is not. I wrote this letter for you because if there’s one thing I am sure of, it is that I will love you, pandemic or no pandemic, day in and day out.

Photo/Elspeth Summersgill.

Caitlin McCarty is a choreographer, dancer, and writer based in Reno, Nevada. She is the Founder and Artistic Director of Collateral & Co., a contemporary dance company that explores the intricacies of the human experience and investigates the nuances of everyday life through the exploration of written word, dance film, physical and emotional experiences, and bodily expression. Caitlin is currently pursuing her Masters in Business Administration at the University of Nevada, Reno.

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Kathleen KuoJuly 20, 2020AComment