Who Would Have Thought Learning Would Bring Comfort
The author with her mother. Photos/Kiana Robinson.
By Kiana Robinson
It's been three days straight of anxiety. One week I'm fine, the second week I'm not. My mother is watching the news as if it's a reality show, I get so annoyed. My constant worries about my mother make me lose appetite and become weak. The intense, shocking fear in my chest every time I think about my mother getting sick drives me insane. There would be days I would eat crackers and drink water to sustain. Don't ask if I've been outside; well, only to the grocery store. Doing that alone makes me scared I caught something, waiting two weeks to see if I develop any symptoms.
My mother works at the airport as a custodian. Doing that type of work, you're vulnerable. Cleaning bathrooms and pulling trash is a germ invitation. The true colors of tourists come out: leaving trash around, urine on the floor, and not washing their hands. My mother would come home frustrated by how some people act in public, not practicing social distancing when asking for directions. I can't even fathom how she feels in those vulnerable surroundings, continuously thinking about how she is considered high risk. Knowing she can't do anything about it because she has to go to work to maintain a household.
I do feel selfish and wrong sometimes for being so scared, not having to go anywhere. I try not to think like that; it doesn't make my anxiety better. Working? Yeah, right; Back in March, I never would've thought about applying for unemployment on my mother's couch scared as hell.
I worked on the strip selling clothes to tourists. I had so many close calls with getting sick. Recently, I found out my manager was positive back in March when we were still open. Thank God I wasn't around the last week we closed. Even when shopping plazas were opening back up, my friend, who worked in the store down from my store, tested positive; the shopping plaza closed again. Unfortunately, the CEO of our store decided to close our doors indefinitely, realizing our store can not financially sustain with the lack of business. Honestly, I wasn't ready to go back, making sure to have a doctor's note available just in case my manager called me in. In the end, things happened in my favor, as I knew it was too early to go back to work.
Now, I'm here on the couch, checking on everyone I know. Three people I know tested positive, and my friend's father died. At this point, how am I supposed to feel? I have no choice to turn my anxiety into productive energy and comfort.
Octospired.
First, I focus on my self-care; I make sure to eat regularly, not digging myself in a hole of starvation. With a past of battling a food disorder, I refuse to go back.
Second, I allow myself to sleep all day, guilt-free; I used to shame myself for sleeping all day and felt like I wasn't using my time wisely. Then, I remind myself for days I was experiencing psychosis, my mind and body were exhausted, rest is essential.
Third, I only consume media when necessary; in the beginning, I didn't realize how much the news triggered my anxiety. I barely watched it. However, my mother would blast it throughout the house because of her hearing. So, I would ask her to turn it down and only watch for an announcement about more financial relief. Online content I assure myself to filter anything concerning the pandemic, leaving out certain words that I know would trigger me.
Lastly, I stay busy with what I enjoy doing, which is learning. On the lighter end, the pandemic was a blessing in disguise. Yes I still do experience anxiety. Yet, to combat those feelings, I take online courses on marketing. Learning about marketing is so exciting to me; I was trying to do it while working, but I hated my job, making me less motivated to do anything. Now, I have all the time in the world. I have reached out to creative people within my neighborhood to offer social media and content marketing services. Keeping myself busy with reading, developing business plans, and operational procedures help me calm down and look forward to a new day. Talking with others provides me energy and a mission to continue assisting creative people. It gives me a purpose.
My mother's birthday has passed and, thanking God for another year, she's still working, staying as safe as possible. My anxiety is easing a little, and I'm still learning. I'm slowly receiving gigs remaining financially afloat. Nowadays, you have to take it day by day and look at the brighter things in life because you never know what could happen unexpectedly.
Born and raised in Las Vegas, Kiana Robinson holds a Bachelor’s degree in Fashion Business. Currently, she is studying content marketing and will be moving to Dallas in 2021. Fashion photography is her favorite hobby and assisting creative people with marketing is her passion.
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