Unlearning Self Sabotage
Comic/Tate Proga.
By Tate Proga
Throughout the past six months I have worked mainly on my mental health and homelife.
Before COVID-19 I was attending classes at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV) and worked part time at a Panera Bread. While working, I was putting away money so I could move out by the end of spring in 2020. Not being able to afford independent living was one of my major stressors since I had started college. I based my time around productivity and believed if I was constantly working or helping someone I would feel fulfilled.
My worldviews completely shifted in March 2020 when quarantine first began. The Panera I worked at could not have extra staff on the line so I was laid off. For the first time I felt like my outside world was on pause, yet my head was still spinning with objectives. I became ridden with anxiety over how I would be able to make a stable income and keep close ties with friends. At the time I was living with my family and partner who are all immunocompromised.
I worried with quarantine in place that I was going to lose social skills because I’m a generally anxious person. I considered going to school and work valuable practice time for figuring out what made me socially anxious . . . besides the prospect of talking. In addition I had been working since I was 17, and I loved my coworkers. However I was not willing to risk my family’s health when cases were only skyrocketing. Thus I wasted no time filing for unemployment. I started to receive payments within a couple weeks. For the first time since I started college I was able to take money out of the equation of stress. I did not want to take this relief for granted. What was it within myself that caused me mental distress? I wondered what was within my own control.
Before March 2020 I spent a lot of my time working on the physical world around me. If I were struggling with a task of my own I would always put it down to help someone else in crisis. I had trouble putting my own mental health first because of how easily I could get distracted with expectations. However when it was not expected of me to go through these motions anymore I started to question the energy I was putting out. Why am I not taking care of myself like I would others?
When I moved out into my new apartment I finally felt free from my old perspective of home. I noticed that my desire to help others was deeply rooted in my parents' expectations of me as a selfless helper as an older brother. However I was terrible at helping myself and rarely listened to my own advice. I was so focused on getting past my old body that I did not consider the parts of my character that I would take with me.
When businesses started to open again I considered the risks of going outside. In July my partner and I felt comfortable enough to start going to the gym in the evening when there are as few people as possible working out. When we first started going I was constantly worried that people around me were judging my figure. I worried that everyone knew my partner and I were not cis. However I thought I had moved past the need to appeal to the others around me. Was I not enough? I thought, “No . . . I’m not enough to ME.” I was projecting my anxiety so hard that I was being the judgmental one. I realized if I did not change how I talked to my own body it would never matter how many gains I would get. I would still be insecure if I did not change something.
Creating a comfortable space between me and my relationships was one of the unexpected gifts of the quarantine. It gave me the time to look within myself and see what was inhibiting me. I thought by being hyper-critical of myself I would be stronger and more self aware of my flaws. “If I know all my flaws then I can hide them, and just work on my good qualities!” However this made it so I could not see past my “bad” qualities. I would become so preoccupied with how I failed that I would fail myself. I failed myself everyday by not believing I was man enough because I was not born looking a certain way. Instead of continuing to fulfill this prophecy I learned the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is show compassion to our inner child.
If you struggle with anxiety and/or have dysphoria during this pandemic I think practicing mindfulness can be one of the most helpful tools in identifying your own triggers. You can do this by listening to how your body reacts in high stress situations and then writing about it in a journal. See what triggers are from within and what triggers you might have learned along the way. Once you identify these triggers, practice reinforcing your own self worth! You can do this by telling yourself positive mantras. For example: “I only have to be me,” “I deserve to learn at my own pace,” “It’s okay to be misunderstood.” By teaching myself how to be my own parent I’ve never loved life more.
Photo/Tate Proga.
Tate Proga is a psychology and art student at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. He is studying to become a clinical counselor while working on his artwork. He works mainly in illustrations and painting, however he loves taking on a new medium. Through his work he hopes to create a comfortable space where one can reflect on society’s impressions on us, and what needs change. If you are able to, he urges you to donate to help make our world equitable for all.
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