Diary of a Frustrated Premed Student During COVID-19
By Shivangi Sinha
This past semester, I was fortunate enough to take an honors class that related directly to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. The course, taught by Dr. Sheila Bock, was called “Interpreting Illness.” Throughout the semester, we explored how individuals, communities, and institutions turn to stories of illness and disease to make sense of them. Through the art of storytelling, we examined how these various narratives contributed to social stigma and inequality. When I initially enrolled in the class this past summer, it’s actually quite amusing thinking about how many of us students and faculty were persistent on the idea that everything would “return to normal” once the fall of 2020 came to be. Of course, we were all proven wrong and continue to be proven incorrect.
In this class, our final exam was in the form of a creative reflection. There weren’t many harsh grading rules or criteria for the project. The main goal was to submit a piece of creative work that demonstrated how the course guided us to think critically about illness and health narratives. Of course, it was more or less a double-edged sword. I was extremely grateful there was not a timed, proctored exam analogous to my other classes. However, with such creative freedom also follows loads of creative doubt and writer’s block. Additionally, as someone who enjoys to draw and paint occasionally, the idea of an artistic project seemed both exciting and daunting. On one hand, I find art incredibly relaxing. However, the idea of presenting my art in front of my peers was nerve-wracking.
This was when I remembered a lecture we had earlier on in the semester. Dr. Bock had invited Jean Munson, a part-time professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas Art Department, to educate us on what a zine was and how it has been used throughout history as a form of storytelling. Previous to this, I had heard what a zine was but had never created or really purchased one. However, throughout the guest lecture, I really enjoyed how raw and unfiltered a zine could be compared to more established art forms. I remember after this lecture, I had immediately logged onto Etsy and purchased a plethora of various zines from across the globe, just out of curiosity. Reflecting upon that lesson, I was determined my creative project would take its form in that of a zine.
With my zine, I wished to tackle something that had been itching at me throughout the entirety of the class. As someone who happily labels themselves a pre-health student, this class, alongside the COVID-19 pandemic, really made me question the pre-existing establishments we have in the United States and the place of medical professionals in these various historical medical injustices. With the readings every week, a common theme was the complacency of healthcare professionals in medical inequity. We had discussed various topics such as the empathy gap in medicine, historical maltreatment of POC communities in healthcare, or pressures on individuals by their healthcare providers to make choices they personally didn’t want to make before. Throughout our readings, so many of the themes that penetrated the illness narrative during previous pandemics were seen actively today. From the “othering” of specific minority groups, the disproportionate rates of infection in POC communities, the downplaying of illness, and the clashes between individualist/collectivist ideas, none of these were unique to COVID-19. It had genuinely upset me and made me question my role as a pre-health student numerous times. Hearing about the callousness of so many in the very industry I aspire to be part of while concurrently living through the poor handling of the COVID-19 pandemic filled me with regret and doubt many times.
All of these questions, all of these doubts, are what I wished to reflect upon in my zine. My zine, titled, Diary of a Frustrated Premed Student During COVID-19, ultimately ended up being me questioning my role as a current student and future healthcare professional when it comes to changing the very pre-existing prejudices we read heartily about. There are no concrete answers to any of these questions, but that’s what I expected when I was crafting this zine. If there were answers I could so easily conjure up, I wouldn’t have created a zine in the first place to hash out these questions and frustrations. I hope for those of you that read my zine, even if you’re not a pre-health student, you gain some insight and reflect upon lingering themes that have regularly come up in your healthcare experiences.
Diary of a Frustrated Premed Student During COVID-19. All images and text/Shivangi Sinha.
This year, alongside this class, has made me reflect a lot on my future career aspirations. I mean, as someone who wants to be a healthcare professional, a PANDEMIC will definitely make you think about it.
What does it mean for me to be a healthcare professional?
How do I balance my expertise alongside my patient’s experiences?
How do I ensure my patients feel heard, while also knowing my boundaries?
Etc. etc. etc.
I remember my thoughts reading Sontag’s excerpts. From her perspective, using metaphors to discuss illness not only convolutes the illness narrative but also leads to shaming those with illness, ultimately.
But...how are medical professionals SUPPOSED to communicate with their patients in an understandable manner?
Haven’t people BENEFITED from metaphors in medicine?
HOW DO WE STRIKE THAT BALANCE?
Then we began discussing the notion of survivorship, tellabillity, and toxic positivity.
But...when medical professionals tell patients, “stay positive,” and “make it happen,” can you blame them?
Many diagnoses are bleak, but should we keep shrouding them in sadness and pragmaticism?
How do I go in those situations, where news won’t always be happy and patients won’t always be happy, without erasing my patient’s own narratives?
How do I try to foster some OPTIMISM without it being overbearing?
We read countless times throughout this semester how the medical establishment has historically FAILED countless communities.
Turner mentioned how, “during the 40 years that the Tuskegee Study continued, it was widely reported in medical journals WITHOUT RAISING ANY SIGNIFICANT OBJECTIONS.”
How has the medical establishment been so devoid of human empathy and connection? The field that undoubtedly needs it the most.
How can I be a part of the repair and reconstruction of this necessary system?
As you can see…
The questions keep piling…
With no answers to be seen
From Thompson rationing her pain medications due to fears of being perceived only as “A STRONG BLACK WOMAN,” to Lorde discussing her experience being pressured to wear a breast prosthesis we can see THERE IS WORK TO BE DONE!
How can I help reduce the radical empathy gap present in medicine?
And...once again...how do we do all of these things as professionals while not overshadowing the illness narratives patients themselves create?
Can we even be surprised that people don’t wish to be treated like guinea pigs anymore?
I’ve had numerous friends recently, even those who want to be doctors/nurses/PAs, tell me they’re unsure if they’d even take the COVID-19 vaccine
With the past and present injustices, it’s not shocking that people are looking for alternative routes
Hell, even both of my own parents love alternative medicine though they’re both in the healthcare field
Why wouldn’t they? It works for us
How do we keep our medical expertise without erasing the voices of our patients?
How do we work on fixing what has been done in the past?
How do we strike the fine balance of gaining trust while also remaining somewhat objective?
The questions just kept piling this semester and throughout the progression of COVID-19 here in the United States.
I know I’m sounding like I hate medicine, but I really don’t.
That’s why I desperately seek out these questions.
Not out of hatred, but out of love for the field and hope for its improvement.
-Shivi S.
Shivangi Sinha is an undergraduate student at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, majoring in cell and molecular biology. She enjoys cooking, painting, spending time with her loved ones, volunteering, and indoor gardening.