The Pandemic Saved Our Relationship
All photos courtesy of Nancy Brune.
By Oni Boulware and Nancy Brune
Nancy (mom): In many respects, the pandemic seemed to magnify the pre-existing tendencies, characteristics, and motivations of our individual and familial selves. Project-oriented, crafty families opted for more ambitious DIY home projects during the shutdown. Adventurous families took advantage of the pandemic to visit national parks. Some parents who had previously struggled to balance work and their children’s education gave up all futile efforts during the pandemic; for some, the scales landed on an exit from the workforce; for others, the scales tipped to the renunciation of all parental engagement responsibilities and the resignation that their children would fall behind.
In our family, the pandemic magnified some of our inadequate conflict resolution strategies, challenging communication patterns, and our high-stress environment.
As our family of five was forced to hunker down and work, study, cook, and live on top of each other, we struggled to stay on course. As a working mom, I tried to manage my increasing workload while regularly checking on our three school-aged kids to ensure they were attending class rather than sleeping in their beds. Frustrations festered, tensions grew, and emotions flared, especially between my older daughter, Oni, and me. Chief among my superficial aggravations were the piles of dishes and mess left from regular cooking sessions and her make-shift classroom, which had completely taken over our dining room table and common sitting area. My daily nagging often escalated to full-volume exchanges between Oni and me, which occasionally resulted in a mutual détente of awkward silence and disregard that lasted several days.
Despite our tattered communication threads, I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that the pandemic was having a disproportionately adverse impact on Oni, who was starting her first year of high school in a new school where she knew no one. She grew increasingly anxious and isolated herself in her room. But she refused to talk to me, to confide in me. When organized sports started up again in fall 2020, her spirits seemed to lift. My husband assumed responsibility for transporting her to soccer practice, which brought them closer while increasing the divide between us.
Oni (daughter): The year we moved to remote/virtual learning also happened to be my first year of high school. Instead of memorizing hallways, seeing new faces, and cheering for my school football team, I was stuck at home staring at about 15 little avatars 5 hours a day. I was unable to collaborate with fellow peers and make personal connections with teachers. This made learning much more difficult, and I had trouble focusing. I lacked motivation and struggled to maintain my grades. School was not the only thing negatively affected by the pandemic. With the implementation of all the COVID restrictions, I was unable to take part in several stress relieving activities such as playing soccer and spending time with friends. Due to the steady decline of my mental health and the lack of opportunities to address it, I became miserable and anxious. This affected my motivation to partake in daily actions and my relationships – particularly my relationship with my mother. My mother and I have always had a complex relationship and often have trouble seeing eye-to-eye. When we argued, feelings were often hurt, and we both needed time and space to move through the pain. However, because we were both stuck in the house and unable to give each other the space we required, the tension after arguments would continue to build. Sometimes we would ignore each other for days on end, which only made matters worse for both of us.
Nancy (mom): By the beginning of 2021, our relationship had become so brittle that we spent more time in silence avoiding each other than conversing. This reality was particularly hard given my desire to have a closer relationship with my kids. I also knew that I was quickly losing the opportunity to repair our relationship given that Oni would be heading off to college in a few years. My husband was concerned and regularly pressed me to “work things out with her.” I knew that we needed a focused, intentional intervention but wasn’t quite sure what the best course of action was: Counseling? A mother-daughter road trip? While not certain I had the answers, I decided to start with community service activities that we could work on together. Just the two of us.
Community service had long been a priority for me. I had always wanted to share that with my kids – to impress upon them the importance of taking care of others. But up to that point, we never seemed to have time as our weekends were filled with soccer practices, games, and tournaments or work deadlines.
Oni protested and complained regularly, but she did join me. Throughout 2021, we spent dozens of hours together. Just the two of us – with masks but without phones. We served food to the homeless together and made fun of how we looked in the hair nets we were forced to wear. We made blankets for the homeless. We cleaned cages at the local animal shelter. We shopped for supplies and assembled hygiene kits for young women. We cleaned and sorted books to distribute to kids. We helped with food distribution pop-ups and worked at the local food bank. In the hours we spent together, we talked about community needs. Free from the four walls of our home, we talked about our relationship and began to soften the brittle edges. I also observed that she seemed to be slowly shedding her cloak of anxieties and fears. Occasionally, we included the rest of our family members in our outings. But I jealously guarded our time together.
Oni (daughter): At the beginning of the year, my mother suggested that we participate in various community services on a more regular basis. I had done a couple service activities throughout the years, but nothing like this. I was skeptical, but I knew my community needed help. I encountered many people that not only had to deal with the problems COVID brought on, but also had to worry about feeding their family or not having a roof over their head. I made blankets, cooked meals, put together hygiene kits, assembled book kits, and served meals to the homeless. Participating in these activities actually filled me with a sense of joy knowing that I could do a small part to help someone else in my community. I realized that in times of hardship, our community needs to work even harder to help each other. More importantly, doing service reminded me that I wasn’t the only one struggling. I found myself feeling less anxious meeting new people and talking to the people I met.
Nancy (mom): In August, our extended family gathered at our house to celebrate a cousin’s birthday. While we were all watching a movie, Oni suddenly stood up, left her cousins, and came over to where I was sitting on a bench. She then sat down, rested her head on my lap, and embraced my thighs. My heart exploded with emotion. Out of fear of scaring her away, I said nothing and tried to maintain my composure. With one hand, I simply stroked her hair and rubbed her back. With my other hand, I wiped away the tears of joy that streamed silently down my face.
Oni (daughter): Even though I was not initially enthusiastic about participating in community service activities with my mom, I did think it might help our relationship. I’m happy to say that I was correct. Participating regularly (almost weekly in some months) in community service tremendously helped my relationship with my mom. Not only did it give us the opportunity to spend quality time together somewhere other than our house, it also gave us things to bond over and talk about. I found myself looking forward to our time together, as we did nothing but laugh and smile. We grew closer and I began to tell her more and more about all the little feelings and things I had going on in my life. Additionally, as we continued to spend time together, we learned how to more effectively communicate with each other and when to respect the other’s need for a break. I must confess, I’m actually thankful she suggested that we participate in service activities together and that she introduced me to the many community service organizations that serve our community.
Nancy (mom): The pandemic magnified the reality of our lives, our humanity, and our interactions. Stripped of our ability to distract ourselves or to escape (to the office, to the gym) and avoid, we have been forced to sit with and hold that reality – whatever it is for each of us. For many, the pandemic magnified connection or loneliness. In our household, the pandemic laid bare and exacerbated some of our imperfect interpersonal communication practices. Coming to terms with these challenges was uncomfortable and difficult, but – thanks to COVID – unavoidable. While we continue to work through the collective impacts of the pandemic, our family is grateful that it afforded us the opportunity to reconnect as mother-daughter (and as a family), learn how to address and work through conflict in healthy ways, and develop a mutual interest in serving our community. From the smoldering ashes of the pandemic, our family has emerged with greater resiliency and joy.
Oni Boulware is a 10th grader attending Rancho High School in Clark County School District. She is a Nevada Youth Legislator representing Senate District 2, a NCL member, and a member of Nevada 95, a youth civic engagement project.
Nancy Brune is the proud mom of Oni, a Senior Fellow at the Guinn Center, and a Nevada Humanities board member.
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