Life After Loss
By Vanessa Latrice Williams
March 23, 2020. I was called into the directors office at my job, Children’s Learning Adventure, where I was working as a preschool teacher. Feeling like a grade-schooler getting called into the principal's office, I was nervous to say the least. I had seen so many of my friends and other colleagues get furloughed, and I couldn’t help to think I was next. My fears were confirmed, and I walked out the office with a letter and my last check in hand. Although I also ran my own daycare, it was not able to sustain all of my needs.
What am I supposed to do now?
As the severity of the pandemic increased, with more and more lives being affected by it, I knew then, this is something serious. Looking for more work would be pointless, so I turned my efforts in trying to maintain my daycare. I had to let go of the only staff member and was on the hunt for grants in order to keep my doors open. My efforts came to a halt, when my mental and emotional state caught up with me and I could no longer function in a work environment.
November 15, 2017. I said my final good-byes to my biggest fan, support system, and listening board, my mother. Due to a very sudden and tragic turn of events, she passed away. With undealt sorrow of her death, questioning my faith in relation to my mom's passing, economical stain, health concerns, and overall uncertainty of all that was happening around me, I felt completely lost, overwhelmed, and turned away from everyone and everything I had known. I needed to separate myself from the life I lived because everything about it only reminded me of my mother. Yet in the middle of all of that, there was one slice of joy I tightly held onto, my boyfriend at the time.
By the time shelter in place was mandated, I was basically living with him. Now on unemployment, most of my time was taking him to work or waiting for him to return. We spent almost every single day together, and although we had a good relationship things started to shift.
During a late-night conversation of brainstorming on how to monetize our craft (him an audio engineer/performer, me a poet/writer), he thought of an idea of me doing something with affirmations. I took his idea and thought, what about a poetry inspired affirmation book? Now I know you might be wondering, as was I, how in the world am I about to write a book about encouraging or affirming oneself, and even others, when I was in so much internal despair? Although how I was feeling was real, and it even started to really affect my relationship in a negative way, I did not want to stay that way. I knew the life I wanted. Beyond that, I knew the life I once had: the joy I used to experience from God’s strength, the peace I had that went past all my understanding, even in the midst of life’s chaos and the passion for my purpose. I knew I could return.
As a writer, I understand the power of writing and what can happen when our thoughts become words on a paper. I decided to write myself into the reality I wanted. I wasn’t feeling brave or beautiful or courageous or even thankful but I wanted to feel that way. So, the journey began to get this book done. Let me tell you, this was one of the hardest things I have ever done. With everything that was already spinning, I was now adding the task to finish a book to this rotation.
Although I had a vision, it did not come without opposition and trails. My unhealthy behavior along with other things led to a complete broken and shattered heart. My boyfriend and I decided to call it quits. We both played a role in this ending, and at the end of the day, I am forever grateful for all I gained from this incredible person. But only a few days later after the break up, I gained another angel. My grandmother passed away. My second mom, my counsel, my heart; I was so hurt. Yet the first thing I thought was, “how do I let everything she put in me die with her.” My grandmother was the one who raised me in church, taught me how to read my Bible, how to pray, and the importance of a true and pure relationship with Christ. I left all that behind when the pandemic hit, and now I was looking at this giant fork in the road—continue the path I’m on or return to where I was?
I decided to return!
But this time it was not to please others or look a certain way to those who have known me. I was in a true and deep pursuit of God because everything else I had tried failed.
After a year of writing and stopping, questioning and doubting, April 30 (National Poetry Month) of 2021 was here and I did it! I created POETICALLY AFFIRMED: Collection of ‘I Am’ Poems to Affirm You Daily. My very first self-published book. I was over the moon, and I honestly couldn’t believe it happened. The response from family, friends, and strangers was incredible, and I was grateful for all the support and love. The life I wrote about was now becoming my reality.
During this pandemic of COVID-19, I lost loved ones, relationships, friends, and even a purpose in life. Yet, through it all, I found my true identity.
It is very hard to see the purpose in pain and most of the time, we do not understand why things happen the way they do. It takes so much courage to look that emptiness, sorrow, loss, and fear in the face and discover the purpose in it all. Even writing this was a challenge. Having to go back to a time, where I was not happy with myself and how it affected everything and everyone around me, was not easy yet very necessary. What we conquer is not just for ourselves but to inspire and encourage those who are coming after, chanting “if I can do it, you can do it.” I hope and pray my story inspires you to continue on your journey and to help others along the way. I want to leave you with this original poem I wrote:
Today I am giving you permission to be yourself
Wholeheartedly and completely to be heard and felt
Now maybe you’ve never heard this before so yea
I’m breaking down barriers and busting open doors
I want your mind to be restored
No longer forged in the box of limitations,
set by others’ expectation of what they want you to be
You should be free
Not reckless and dangerous but conscious and aware
With the ability to look into the mirror and stare without the pressure of compare
You are rare
A diamond in the midst of many yet it was you they couldn’t bury
What others thought to be defeat, your roots were just growing deep
While others are blown away, you stay in place; not easily moved
You have nothing to prove; God on your side, you have nothing to lose
This is truth, you are loved
Don’t worry about those who have walked away, they would have caused you to decay
So today, I am giving you permission to be yourself
Wholeheartedly to be heard and felt
Message to myself
Photo by Vanessa Latrice Williams.
Vanessa Latrice Williams is a Las Vegas poet, teacher, spoken-word artist, and author, originally from California. Her passion is to inspire the world with her writings, illustrating the power of healing it brings. Her most recent published work is in the Spotlight Poetry LV anthology Young, Gifted and Black, Beyond the Neon anthology with Zeitgeist Press, a feature in I Am Creator magazine, and her own poetry book entitled Poetically Affirmed, which is available on Amazon. Vanessa was crowned winner for three local Poetry Slam competitions in 2021 and is currently representing the official slam team of Las Vegas—Spotlight Poetry Slam team. Vanessa was featured in a showcase during South By Southwest® in March 2022 and will be featured at the 46th annual Utah Arts Festival June 2022. She uses her painful life experience to prove there is a purpose in it all! Keep up with her @vanessalatricewilliams.
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