The Flower in the Snow
By Jillyan Marquez
For 10 years I have lived with both my parents, half and half. I would go to my mom’s house some days and others with my dad. Not only did I do this but so did my brother. We had two separate lives, one at mom's house and another at dad’s. Seventeen years of age and this was my life.
In March 2020, I had what some would call a realization. I stared blankly at my television, reminding myself of how unhappy I was. I asked myself
“Why must I live half of my life so unhappily?”
I needed to begin growing. I needed to start leaving the negativity out of my life, I needed to just grow. I felt like a tree that was in the desert deprived of water because of how I was living at my mom’s house. My mother’s house was not welcoming; it wasn’t my home even though I lived there. My mother, myself, and my brother all lived there with my mom’s significant other. I wish I could say that I liked him as it would make my life easier. But I don’t. Living like this tested my tolerance and patience more and more. To the point where I simply couldn’t do it anymore.
But how could I? Despite the grudges I held against my mother, she was still one of my best friends. I could tell her nearly anything, and she would give great advice or just simply listen to me…well sometimes. I couldn’t ever talk to her about her relationship or how I felt about being there. I didn’t know how to leave my mom, I didn’t know how to tell her, “Mom, I don’t want to be here, I hate living here.” So I just patiently waited until I could.
One of the biggest things keeping me from leaving was my 10-year-old brother. Although for most of his life he only ever knew his lives between both parents, he never knew them without me. I practically raised him. Leaving my brother was not something I could do just yet, although of course I would still see him nearly every day, considering how our schedule was between our parents: Monday/Thursday/every other weekend is dad’s time, Tuesday/Thursday from 5 until the next morning is mom’s time. I would still lose time with him. No one had ever seen one of us without the other. I was his constant. He was mine.
But I could not continue to live in a house I was unable to call home. So much anger was built in that house that it began to suffocate me, for each day I walked in, I felt a piece of me chip away. It was so different from my dad’s house. My dad knew when to choose us. When we lived with his girlfriend back in 2018, he saw that my brother and I were unhappy, as well as how rudely his girlfriend treated us. So he left. He left for us. He didn’t put us aside. He always knows when we are hurting. His home was our home.
Weeks before my birthday in April. My mom felt my distance. She could tell every time she asked, “Are you okay” and I responded, “I’m just tired.” But it was just an excuse for me not to express my feelings.
It wasn’t until one afternoon, on our 30-minute drive to meet my dad, my mom asked, “Why do you act like you don’t want to be here anymore?” “Why don’t you want to be around me anymore?”
In this instance I began softly crying. I didn’t have the heart to tell my mom that she was a part of the problem, so I told her, “I can’t be around him, mom. I can’t continue to live somewhere I am unhappy.”
Yes, that was still true but, I also couldn’t be around someone who wasn’t going to stand up for me. I can’t recall the rest of the conversation because my mind was only thinking about how I needed to grow. But luckily my mom understood. She was okay with my decision.
Just a week later, still in April, on a sunny Tuesday at exactly 5 pm, my mom came to my dad’s house to pick up only my little brother. As she arrived, I walked out to tell her I love her and thank you for understanding. Only a few seconds later my brother came out and walked to the car, confused as to why I was not getting in. I could just then feel a little part of me regret my decision. As I told my brother I would not be going with him anymore to my mom’s house, his face quickly changed to sadness, then anger. I tried to hold my sadness in so he would not see.
Living at my dad’s full time only lasted for so long. Just as I made the big decision, not even a week later I had to go back. During this time, it was spring break. Only our spring break became a lot longer than expected. A pandemic hit. A sickness no one stopped to think about back in February stopped the entire world. I had to go back because my mom needed me to watch my brother. Although I did not mind watching him, I was even more stuck than before. I spent every other week there. With nothing to do because the world had literally shut down, I was once again stuck. It was like being a flower that was growing, then stopped, and just could not anymore. It became harder and harder to exist in that; I felt like a little part of me was turning yellow like leaves do when they are dying. The funny part looking back now, is that when the world decided to change, my world had to go back to its old self.
When September came, which is when school started up again, I had to go through it all again. I had to talk to my mom about not living with her anymore. But it wasn’t as hard the second time. With complete confidence, I was able to tell my mom, “I don’t want to be here. I am going back home.”
Once again, my mom was okay. I was able to just continue to grow.
I was lucky enough to know when I needed to leave. It took almost all of me to leave such a toxic environment. But I did it. Many people out there are in such worse conditions especially with COVID-19. However, there will be a moment that comes for them to know that they need to leave. A moment that will prick them like a thorn on a rose. When that moment comes and you take action, it will relieve your soul, mind, and more.
Photo/Jillyan Marquez.
My name is Jillyan Marquez, and I am currently a high school student. I am working towards my engineering major (undecided). I take college classes to make that possible. I hope to either be a lawyer or an engineer. I love to be with my family; I spend all my time with them. I have enjoyed writing a lot lately especially because of my creative writing class.