Cleaning Out My Closet
Photos/Jessica Kay Halling.
By Jessica Kay Halling
Like most people, I had high hopes for 2020. Like really high hopes. After all, 2019 had been the best year of my life, and I was so excited about what was to come. In 2019, I went on a Survivor’s Retreat to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. I was named one of Las Vegas’s 40 Under 40 and received a Freedom Award from the New Jersey Coalition against Human Trafficking. I was an invited guest to the UNITAS Gala in New York City, and I got to dance on stage with Wyclef Jean. Seriously. Wyclef! I closed out the year by turning 40! I mean, seriously, 2019 was epic, and my expectations for 2020 were even more monumental, or at least that was the vision in my head.
Then BAM! While I was busy making plans for a stellar 2020, COVID-19 happened.
I think like many of us, I really couldn’t wrap my brain around it and continued to believe that in a few months this would all be over. So like the rest of the world, I pivoted and made it work. Of course it wasn’t easy trying to juggle my career as a social worker and homeschooling my two kids, but as a family we did the best we could. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, the collective trauma the world was experiencing became agonizingly heavy. I had already survived domestic violence, human trafficking, a suicide attempt, and homelessness. I was pretty sure I could survive a global pandemic. But the collective trauma began to feel like the end of the world.
During the days, I worked hard to ensure that COVID-19 didn’t become another childhood trauma for the children and young people at St. Jude’s Ranch for Children where I am the Program Director. I focused on finding ways to support my team, and some days I would get it right and other days I had to learn to pivot yet again instead of panicking. Working gave me a sense of purpose, and although things didn’t always go as planned, together the staff got creative and made the best out of the current circumstances. At work I was still thriving, but it was the after hours that haunted me.
Everything felt hard. My past, my present, my future were colliding. It wasn’t just COVID-19, or Black Lives Matter, or the upcoming election. It was every emotion from my past that I suppressed, every emotion from this year that I tried to numb, and every emotion about my future that I avoided. I was mourning the loss of my plans and of my children’s plans. I was mourning the loss of my son’s graduation. I was mourning the loss of family members because the state of the world had us at odds. I was mourning the loss of humanity. I was anxious for the future and for our dreams. I was anxious about the world my children were growing up in. As a mother of two beautiful Black children, I was anxious every time they left the house for fear they wouldn’t return. My trauma was bubbling to the surface and was taking over the person I had become.
While at home one day and in need of a new project to get me through the unbearably long weekends, I decided to clean out my closet. As I dove into the task, the clothes began to pile up and not even half way through I stopped. I gave the discarded clothes a new home in four white garbage bags on my bedroom floor. For six months, those bags served as a backdrop to my survival and for six months I found every excuse not to move them. I found myself avoiding most things, just like I avoided my closet. I gave my kids pep talks when they were awake, and I cried at night when they were asleep. I wasn’t sure I believed my own optimism anymore.
I felt every emotion, every day. Distract, avoid, numb, distract, avoid, numb was the cycle I was stuck on.
The discomfort I was feeling turned into grief.
I gradually began to see over those long six months that, in hiding from the darkest corners of my closet, I was hiding from the darkest corners of myself. Just like the old clothes and memories I was hoarding, I was holding onto the pain of my past as if I would no longer exist if I released it. So once again, I began to clean out my closet. The process was hard. Unpacking the darkest corners of my closet was a stark reminder of how much I had lost, but it also highlighted all of the beautiful things I had gained.
As I begin to unpack the sweaters, pants, jackets, and all the clothes that no longer reflected who I am, I also began to release my internal baggage. The stash of “I ain’t good enough’s,” the million hangers of “You’ve let yourself go,” and the heap of scarves I carried to cover up my toxic cycles all had to go. My closet was over-filled, over-stacked, over-hung, and the weight was literally weighing me down. In that moment, I knew I could no longer distract, avoid, and numb my past, present, and future. I knew I had to become strong enough to move past the pain.
I rediscovered myself through a lens of love. I learned that self-care isn’t just about self-love but that it also requires unpacking the pain, as much as it hurts to do so. Suppressing my pain had gotten me this far but my emotions had to have somewhere to go. The anxiety and depression I had been feeling were byproducts of holding on to my grief. Not just the grief of this year but also the grief of my past. It was in the lessons of self-care that I discovered realistic expectations and grace.
I had to go through it to get through it. I couldn’t control the pandemic, but I could control how I reacted to it. I had to get up from under my covers and put in the work. I had to make the choice to clean out my closet and grow from it instead of become diminished from it. Not only did I begin to get rid of the ridiculous amounts of clothes that I no longer wore or needed, but I also began to purge my pain. I began to make room for wonder, for self-discovery, for adventure, and for new beginnings.
If you are anything like me and are under your covers right now, avoiding your closet, here are a few tips that helped me.
First, you have to make the choice to make a change. Making the choice is about shifting your mindset and when you make a conscious choice to make a change, you are taking the first step towards growth. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable because on the other side of your comfort zone there is a whole new world and a new you waiting to be discovered.
Remember healing is a process, it is not an event. Losing yourself does not happen all at once and healing yourself won’t either. I too woke up one day wondering, “How did I get here?” It happens. It is a part of being human. We stumble, we fall, but we also have the ability to rise again. Your pain gives you knowledge that nothing else can. You avoid the darkest corners of your closet because you don’t want to feel it or acknowledge it but when recognized, when felt and not numbed, those darkest corners of your closet will teach you valuable lessons about who you are. When the pain is acknowledged the healing can begin.
Don’t forget to give yourself credit! Unpacking the darkest corners of the closet gave me a reminder of how far I had come. As I sat on the floor sorting through all my piles of discards, I was forced to remember that at one point in my life, I did not even have a floor to sit on. So I took out a piece of paper and wrote down all my accomplishments over the last 10 years. Seeing the list of what I had accomplished when all odds were against me reminded me that although I have had lots of bad days, I have also had lots of really good days. Take a moment and make your list, remind yourself of how far you have come and allow yourself to give yourself credit where credit is due.
Move your body! Ok, I may not be an expert on this one as I am that girl who loves to lie in bed all day and watch TV shows and read a million books. My bed is my comfort zone and in it I am able to avoid most things with the exception of my inner mean girl. What I have learned though is that moving my body makes me feel better. It reduces my stress, it silences my inner mean girl (ok, well not completely), and it builds my self-confidence. You do not need to go run a marathon tomorrow or become a body builder next week. Just start. Put on your favorite music and dance for 10 minutes, go walk around your neighborhood, walk up and down your stairs until you are tired. Start wherever you are and you will find that moving your body will have a significant impact on both your physical and mental health.
Feed your mind but feed it carefully. You are the only one who can control what enters it. Information is fed to you daily. Social media has taken over, and if you are not careful about what you are allowing in then you are giving power to all the detrimental messages you are fed daily. Feed your mind positive thoughts, listen to empowering podcasts, watch inspiring documentaries, and read books that move you to change the world. Seek knowledge, seek your truth, learn new things, and feed your mind with positive fuel. Take control of your mind so it does not control you.
Phone a friend. I know first hand how hard this can be. I tend to suffer in silence as I do not want to be a burden to anyone and by the time I reach out my emotions are bubbling over. Talking to someone you trust and love helps. It can put things in perspective or at least remind you that you are not alone. Human connection is the most powerful healing agent there is. Feeling connected and loved is a basic human need, so please don’t suffer in silence.
Continue. This one word, as simple as it is, is also so very powerful and it has become my mantra. Continue. Say it. Say it out loud when you are feeling the depths of the darkness. Continue. Continue to turn your negatives into positives. Continue to grow. Continue to learn. Continue to overcome. Continue to conquer. Continue to move. Continue to love what is right in your light. When you don’t know what to do and are at the end of your rope, CONTINUE. Just breathe and say it out loud. Continue.
As we approach this brand new year, full of new possibilities and most likely more lessons, let's take a deep breath, grab a handful of courage, and continue.
Jessica Kay Halling strives to connect with youth on a fundamental level in her role as program director for St. Jude’s Ranch for Children, a position she assumed in November 2017.
“I once felt like I was a victim of the system, a stack of mental diagnoses, police reports, and hospital visits — instead of a victim of domestic violence, human sex trafficking, and homelessness,” said Halling, who decided to tell her story to help others in vulnerable situations find the courage to continue. “I decided I wanted to dedicate my life to advocating for those who are hurting in our community and use my experiences as a medium to champion change.”
To this end, Halling received a Bachelor’s Degree in Early Childhood Education from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and a Master’s Degree in Social Work from the University of Southern California, launching her career at Acelero Learning Head Start. She then joined the Department of Education’s Office of Early Learning as an Education and Information Officer for the Nevada Silver State Stars QRIS prior to assuming her current position with St. Jude’s, where she is responsible for oversight of operations for the Boulder City campus. Jessica has also had an integral role as a survivor in their efforts to build a Healing Center for child victims of sex trafficking.
Jessica is on advisory board for the Women’s Research Institute of Nevada, a member of the Nevada Coalition to Prevent the Sexual Exploitation of Children and a member of the Steering Committee for the Nevada Policy Council on Human Trafficking. Jessica worked on Nevada’s CSEC Strategic Plan, received the Freedom Award from New Jersey Coalition against Human Trafficking, was named Las Vegas’s 40 Under 40, and is a survivor leader for numerous agencies across the country.
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